Tuesday, April 8, 2008

What I Am Thinking About At This Moment...

...many years from where I still am. I am still stuck sometimes in the late 70's/early 80's with the music, the lack of today's technology, the style, the luxury of living under a parental roof with all of my needs being met and my only thought the change for my next pack of cigarettes and a dimebag. I still recall the care of my perfect feathered hair--the hot roller forming perfect tubules framing my face....the purple eyeliner and mascara...the use of an letter opener to zip up my Sergio Valentes...my "druggie" construction boots with the lambswool peeking out (Philly style, in the house).

What happened to that? I can answer that in one fell swoop--when my cell phone died last year, I celebrated. I celebrated a freedom of not being connected. I could go to the damn store and buy a freaking gallon of milk in peace. Nobody asking me where the hell I was. I went randomly, without makeup. Stinking of running shorts and BenGay.. I used to REEK of innocence....of trusting without doubt....that the worst thing that could happen was the "Ruskies" pushing the button. I WAS OUT THERE, and no one could call me. There was danger in that. I couldn't get caught. Thankfully a school nurse wasn't looking for me then to tell me my child had a fever and was in need of being picked up from school.... BUZZKILL, could you imagine picking up a sick kid in my independence moment? These two parts of me in tandem....

In the basement with "Boston", "Saturday Night Fever" or "Dark Side Of The Moon" on the Hi-Fi, and that was (and continues to be, my friends, the BEST music EVER) the SHIT. Thinking of five minutes in the closet, thinking at that time EVERYBODY smoked, and that college wasn't essential to having a life. Looking forward to the roller rink and some AC/DC...I saw every drug run down the pike. Here I am this"mom"....I know I got so very lucky. Lucky I say now. FUN I said then. How youth is so trivial and flippant. But here I am, missing those days of "innocence" and dismissive thinking. Days spent by the creek smoking pot....tripping on acid to the laser light show of Led Zeppelin. I passed out in the lobby high on marijuana and PCP. WHO DOES PCP anymore? Is that even available? How lucky I am to be here....

I wonder if anyone my age misses those days as much as I do....and I do...because I have enough of me to miss that and enjoy the moment I live in now. I suppose I just bring these memories up because they are so much of who I am NOW. Those soundtracks of my life--Led Zeppelin, Pink Floyd, Rush....they bring me back to the girl who got into those size 2s....the clogs...the darkness of the hallways in junior high school, the Bonne Belle root beer lip gloss flavored life of benevolence at the cost of ignorance. The ever present desire to get somewhere else no matter the cost--as long as it wasn't where you were...without looking stupid...being altruistic and playing the game....

This is where I am. Tonight.

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